4-11-2005
Prayer friends,
Well, I
finally got online for awhile tonight. Head hurting again though, but is due
partly to the contacts in my eyes I think. STILL can't find my glasses which
seem to have gone missing just this afternoon. Just boggles my mind....
So much
happening.... Am asking God to reveal truth and leading to me. Is this
all attack, or Him closing doors? Other people around me seem to feel it is
just simply attacks. But I am seeking Him on it.
I have been
seriously sick for almost a week now. And a bad cold the week before that.
After the God-touch in the middle of last week, I got sick again the next day.
Someone from one of the Christian women's shelter down in Boise came up on
Friday and toured that potential children's home or unwed mother's home house
near here with me to give me her feedback. I was quite sick again
that afternoon, and could not enjoy her visit much, but it was still
productive. She also prayed for me that afternoon. That was
encouraging. But two people have now told me that they think the place is
better suited to immediate use as a boys home rather than an unwed mother's
home.... We'll see. I was told by the owner later that day that someone else is
putting in an offer on the house on Monday....
But later
Friday evening after my friend from Boise and her husband left,
I called my pastor finally to take me into the emergency room in Boise, I was
feeling so awful. They immediately began me on antibiotics for an
"acute sinus infection". I have literally been flat on my back in bed
ever since. Tonight is the first night I have actually started to feel a little
more like normal and able to get out of bed for any length of time more
than about an hour. But when I was calling around to all the other board
members yesterday (Saturday) before our planned meeting (moved to Sunday),
every single one of them had been under attack all week too, from various
things, whether serious illness, family crisises, or this and that. We
literally couldn't hold the board meeting - no one could have come...
Pretty insane.... So we did not hold the board meeting at all.....
At first it
was almost funny, and encouraged me, as I heard each board member and prayer
partner tell me the attack they had been under, because it said that we were
doing something right, and that God was getting ready to do something big. So I
encouraged each to be praying for the others, as we lift each other up all in
prayer. That was good. Tonight, I am feeling very broken and weary instead.
But in any
case, I'm not sure where that leaves us. I have been doing allot of trying
to seek God's face in the midst of all this, because I feel like I am only
seeing through a glass dimly whatever it is that He has for this place.....
I was
lonely tonight. Just wandering through the house wishing that the lights were
all on, that the radio was on, that the fireplace was crackling, that there
were children playing, that there were lots of people hanging around the big
huge lounge room upstairs just talking and playing games and enjoying
themselves. The house feels so empty tonight. Haven't ever felt it so strong
before. Just that desire to hear people enjoying themselves, kids playing in
the bedrooms, laughter, warmness, music, instead of the absolute stillness that
pervades the air here. I mean I love the peace, but tonight, I am missing
human company. Wishing for something. Have been praying today that God reveals
what it is that HE wants for this place. I remain absolutely convinced that He
wants to use it for His glory here. But with me, or someone after me, I don't
know. Asking if I am supposed to put another group ontrack to buy this place to
do something for God with it.... I just don't know. But tonight it was so
strong about what I wanted to hear, that it was almost like I was hearing
echoes of the future, or maybe the past. Was just pretty lonely. I was feeling
it so bad in fact, that I have been trying to figure out what kind of
retreat I can plan for up here soon for people..... *chuckle*
Was missing
my single mom friend Kim in Australia pretty bad today too. I just clung to her
voice on the phone earlier today in the midst of one of my fevered headaches. I
have no helpmate here. And she can't come here. I miss her.
I don't
understand why still no job offers here, when I am perfectly suited for so many
of the openings that I have applied for. And why was the board meeting
prevented? I don't understand this absolute knowledge that I have that God has
plans for this place. I don't know why He is so silent all of a sudden when all
last year, every time I prayed and asked about or for something, I usually had
a very divine answer within days or weeks. The rent was always paid, but
suddenly now it's not. And I am so sick that I can't work on this place, earn
money to pay rent, find a job, or do anything. I can't leave to go down to
Australia without Vanya and without my debts paid. I don't feel
like God has released me from this project yet either. I FEEL
(emphasis on FEEL) like our time is running out, that we don't
have much time left to put things in order, or to repent as a
nation. (This is NOT meant to be prophecy, but JUST impressions that
jumped out at me as I was reading His word the other night). But He's also not
letting me leave to be with the one my heart desires.... I am feeling
just simply lost and bewildered and overwhelmed.... Being tired and sick is not
helping it any either I know..... *sad chuckle*
I am very
afraid for my country. I fear God. I know that somehow He said that to fear Him
is the beginning of wisdom, but all I feel right now is fear of Him, and what
His sense of justice is going to demand from this country. I also read His
promise the other night that if the country would repent and seek His face,
that He would relent, and lift His judging hand away, and I pray for that so
hard. Repentance and revival. My pastor asked me to preach in church in several
weeks, and boy is there a message shaping up there......
Just pray
for me, and that God reveals to me His leading. I am feeling very lost right
now. I long for Kim's physical company. It hurts. So frustrating trying to
pray with her on the phone when we can't hear each other very
well. Want to just be able to pour out my heart with tears to God, with someone
there with me also praying. Even a group of us praying on our faces before God,
weeping for those things that break His/our heart. Begging for revival. I
experienced this with both Reid and Jessica's group, and with Kay's group, last
summer, and it doesn't surprise me that Satan took such efforts to blow it
all apart, because it was reaching God's ears, and changing us. I miss that
camaraderie/fellowship of saints being prostrate before God, weeping all night
long, as we poured out our hearts to Him.
God is my
God, and I will not forsake Him. He is my rock and my fortress, and my strong
deliverer. I would choose none other. He is my God and my savior. I know that
He has everything absolutely under His control, and that it will someday all
make sense. I know that He coordinates even the attacks of the enemy. I will
still worship my God, in the midst of my pain and confusion, and affirm Him
once again as my Lord. And I beg audience with Him tonight, just to hear His
gentle voice and feel His soothing touch, and know that His eye is upon me. And
I hope that He can reveal to me something of what He is doing, and what I
should be doing. I think back to last week when He had my niece call me just to
pray for me, a niece I never even knew I had. I think back to all the times He
has startled me with His touch and presence, and reassured me that He was there
with me. I think back to all the times He has heard my cries and answered my
prayers. And that comforts me. I know He is there. I just need to be still, and
know that He is God I guess. Pray that I can reach that place, and that I can
physically get back on my feet soon.
I am
feeling a fever and headache coming back on, so I will sign off for now. Please
pray, that God be God in each of our lives...
In Him,
-Tim
Tim
Benedict
Thorn Creek Conference Center
21 Yellowpine Lane
Boise, ID 83716
208-392-6723
tbenedict@bigskytel.net