11-18-2004
Dear
Friends,
So much happening.....
I almost
went to heaven tonight I think....
I was in a
car wreck that could have been much worse than it was, by a mere split second.
I was coming home after working in Boise all day, and was coming up fast
behind a Bronco SUV to pass him, when suddenly a whole string of deer
ran out into the road in front of the Bronco. Of course, he slammed on his
brakes hard, and suddenly, I have no where to go. Can't go left around him
because of the deer (if I hit a deer, it comes through my windshield). I don't
want to rear end the guy for obvious reasons (and my seat belt is no
longer functional anyway). So I hit the brakes, locked up the tires while
steering to the right, and hoped like crazy that I wasn't on the stretch of
road where there is no shoulder, only a drop-off into Lucky Peak reservoir. My
tires screeched, there was a terrific bang, and then I was past him with just
barely enough room to spare on the road shoulder, and I must have missed the
last deer by no more than a couple feet. So we both pulled off, and my side
rear view mirror was just flopping by its cable, my left front quarter
panel was crunched pretty good, my left front parking light was smashed, and the
driver door wouldn't open..... But I was alive! Shaking a little
bit, but alive and breathing! On the Bronco, it looked like it only smashed out
his rear parking lights, and crunched the left end of his rear bumper pretty
good. But if I had not steered right, and God hadn't kept the car straight
while the tires were locked up and screeching, I'd be in heaven right now, I'm
pretty sure. Or hurting pretty badly down here. So I'm thanking God for the
gift of life tonight.... *grin*. And wouldn't you know it, but the people
driving the Bronco were parents of one of my old students at Cole Valley
Christian High School where I taught for three years, several years ago.... I
don't know which one of us felt worse, him for slamming on his brakes so
suddenly, or me for scaring him to death when I sideswiped him... I
am glad I serve a big God who keeps me in the palm of His hand..... *soft
smile*.
Life is so
strange..... I am so thankful though that my God loves me, protects me, and
walks with me....
I watched the Passion of Christ movie several weeks ago again up here at the
ranch with some friends, and something still different hit me this time.
Consider that Jesus, during His ministry, virtually wiped out sickness and
disease in Palestine. And yet they still rejected Him. Can you imagine hanging
on that cross, looking down into some of the same eyes of people that you had
healed or knew someone that you had healed, and see the rejection in their
faces? What was the temptation then? To lash out and undo all the healings?
Strike out and damn them for their ingratitude? In His position, could I have
done what He did, and asked the Father to forgive them? While pondering that,
events transpired over the weekend that brought those ponderings home to me in
a new way....
Friday, Saturday, and Sunday I did a three day fast, seeking God's face on
several things. I don't tell you this to be proud, but to convey truth to you
in such a way that maybe God can show you something too like He did me. I
specifically tried to put Isaiah 58 into practice during this fast (you GOTTA
go read it). And boy oh boy did God give me opportunity to do exactly that
*chuckle*, put Isaiah 58 into action, starting Friday and continuing on till
Monday. I played my guitar at church, changed tires for stranded motorists, fed
people in my home, led communion service at church Sunday morning, stood on a
street corner holding a prolife sign standing up for the helpless unborn,
sheltered the wanderer, prayed for the sick, encouraged the
downhearted, prayed over people in spiritual bondage, helped lead someone to
Christ, counseled some recommitments to Christ, and more, in just four days! It
was insane! It was just insane. Every minute doing something, all in accordance
with Isaiah 58, which I had asked God for the opportunity to put into practice
during this fast. I have literally not ever had a weekend this full of the
touch of God in my life I don't think. It was simply amazing, and awe
inspiring, and I was able to worship my God in a new and deep way. It was quite
simply an incredible weekend.
But the story continues, because apparently in the midst of all this God
activity, I pissed off Satan or someone else down below pretty bad....
Saturday night, after deeply interceding for someone in a life and death
struggle in a hospital, I became quite suddenly sick myself, in a desperately
bad way, with many of the same symptoms as the person I had just prayed for...
I had to call someone and it took the two of us praying together for the attack
to lift, and for my body to slowly return to normal. It
exhausted me. Pretty bizarre. Haven't ever experienced anything quite like that
before.... I was one very sick puppy there for about an hour.
Then Sunday, again in the midst of all this ministry, apparently five different
people, count them, FIVE, apparently all spoke something evil of me behind my
back and drove a deep wedge between myself and a very close friend. One of
these same five people was someone that I had specifically prayed healing for
on just Friday night for pancre-itus, and with their own mouth on Saturday had
testified that they had been healed during the night, which I accepted as true
because they were walking around pain free when the night before they had been
in the emergency room, in serious pain and trouble. Another one of the five was
someone that I have ministered to many times in the past. Another was someone
that I had also prayed for many times. The remaining two had once expressed
interest in helping out with the children's ranch. And all five call themselves
Christians....
So needless to say, I was at a complete and utter loss for words. Can I say
that? And since none of the five have yet to come and talk to me directly, but
have instead avoided me, I am seriously at a loss to know what to think. Did I
do something to offend someone? I know I am still a fractured man, and
sometimes my edges are a little rough, but in the absence of communication,
what am I to think? It has led me to do a lot of deep soul-searching. And
talk about a maelstrom of emotions too! Anger. Rejection. Grief.
Helplessness. Bitterness. Confusion. Loss. Tears. And more.
And yet, in the midst of it all, I swore once again, that I will worship my
God. I will not deny my King. And I will see Satan defeated before me as I
stand my ground in Christ! So I sang worship songs to my God in the midst of
the pain. Just doing that brought a flood of tears to my face as I drove,
singing worship to God and focusing on His love for me instead of my own
apparently violated sense of justice and keen sense of betrayal. Notice I keep
saying "apparently" because I still have to sort out what all was
said, and the motives with which they were said, and I am sincerely hoping it
is nothing more than a simple misunderstanding. But if it is not, and this is
what I wanted to convey here tonight, what is my proper response?
And then it hit me, after finally discussing it Monday night with a friend
that God divinely put in my path. I was experiencing some of the same emotions
that must have flooded through Christ as He hung on the cross. Could I forgive
like He did? Would I lash out? Would I continue to pray for these five? Would I
forgive them? The ones that I had trusted and then what currently feels like,
betrayed me? Would I shrivel up and crawl into a hole and disappear for awhile?
Would I do the self pity thing? Or would I continue to minister to people, and
do so without anger, without bitterness, and with forgiveness?
So I'm sitting here at the computer. The lights are low. I am sore, because I
have spent the last 2 days down in Boise, roofing a house, to pay ranch rent.
And while my heart is heavy, it is also relatively at peace. What has been
done will not shake me. I will continue to work at the ranch. I will
continue to reach out to and shelter the oppressed, the wanderer, the stranger,
the fatherless, the orphan, the single mother, and the widow. I will continue
to pray for the sick and the wounded. I will continue to pray a covering over
these 5 people, and my estranged friend. And I will forgive them. I can only
assume that they are only doing what they think is best. They are in God's
hands, and it's not my problem anymore. If I am reviled for serving my God
in the only way I know how, then so be it. Christ told me to expect it, so it
shouldn't surprise me. But in my humanness, it still hurts, deeply so. But I am
also glad my God is bigger than that. I can almost feel a new tenderness
growing in my heart in the midst of the pain, like a flower in a dung heap. And
strength too. Kinda weird. Doesn't make sense to me, but it is there.
So the Passion movie was brought home to me in a very real way this past
weekend. The mind of Christ. Oh how many times I have prayed to know the mind
of Christ, and God. And through the fasting weekend, and the events that
happened there in, suddenly I understand one facet of the mind of Christ on a
much deeper level now, in a personal way. Kinda neat. And my love for Him grows
only deeper through understanding this new facet of His character. It all still
hurts, but I am truly thankful for the knowledge gained, and the new way in
which I feel myself responding to Christ's love for me, in simple
worship and awe of Him.
Did you get all that? :-)
Again, I am hoping it was all a misunderstanding between these five people and
my friend and myself, that can eventually be cleared up, but right at the
moment, I am feeling a keen sense of loss about my estranged friend, and
absolute and utter bewilderment concerning what all was said behind my
back, and why. In any case, I do know that God has it all figured out already,
and I can trust Him...
Ranch
stuff..... Nothing much has happened except for a meeting with another
God-seeking man that God divinely led me to (that we might partner with down
the road sometime), talked to a professional fundraiser and got some ideas, and
a lady who used to run horses on kid ranches for while, came up to tour the
place (she said I wasn't ready for horses yet). I am working down in
Boise almost every day trying to pay ranch bills that donations don't cover yet
(thankyou, those that have helped out), and some of my own old debts. Snow is
projected for this Friday and the water lines aren't buried, the cabin roofs
aren't plastic sheeted yet, my firewood is still 2 months short of what I need,
my four wheel drive truck (for snow time) still has a bad front bearing, the
conference center foundation is still not completely dug out, paperwork is
still not done (Boise County now getting on my case) and it's been about
freezing every morning. I am so not prepared for winter yet *sad chuckle*. But
I will obey my call, and just keep doing as well as I can what I know to do is
right, and keep plodding along. I know God knows my situation, and has heard my
tears and prayers. I have His promise in Psalm 34:18 and Isaiah 58. And I
know that in His time, all things are made perfect, and truth will be revealed.
And so I wait on Him. He is my God, and my counselor. My fortress and sure
foundation. My shield and my rock. And I am so blessed to be called one of His
children. I still have faults, am still fractured, but I will not be shaken,
and my master is slowly healing me. My eyes are on Him, not those around me
*deep sigh*. I just want Him to be happy with me.
But isn't God cool? *soft grin*
Pray for my
dad if you think of it. He and mom left here Monday on a
round-about way home. And tonight he is in a hospital somewhere in
Nebraska with severe kidney stones apparently. And that's about all I know. He
just needs prayer tonight. Thank you
-Tim Benedict
Tim
Benedict
Thorn Creek Conference Center
21 Yellowpine Lane
Boise, ID 83716
208-392-6723
tbenedict@bigskytel.net